Gold

You have such good rhythm. I can never manage a good rhyme scheme, it's so hard to do without sounding forced and slaving away, sacrificing the words for the rhyme. You didn't do that though, everything was very smooth and neat.
I guess you made a few changes already to make it better =]
I think my favourite was the first stanza - the lines:

A morning for places that darkness embraces
For the seconds, or days, that your glory replaces.

#EDITED #

Thanks guys, I've tried to fix some of the problems (and the fact that there are many is sinking in pretty quickly...), some of which were easy, others not so much...
Oh, by the way wysteria, I changed the 'cracking diamond' line but I'm pretty sure it's worse this way. Oh well.

Thriving Fire wrote:Not sure if this should be lyric poetry or dramatic (or narrative for that matter) but this is my best guess so here goes.

Gold
So the sky, it was great, with your gold and your grace
One day in the light, and the shine, it creates
A morning for the places that darkness embraces
For the seconds, or days, that your glory replaces.
So make for the plains, and the islands you reign, to bask,
and soak, and feel, and take.
A cloud rolls by, horizons away
But it takes not our fate, and our fate is its rain. (the flow is good here, smooth and catchy. except, like casey says, I would take out some of the commas, maybe separate the lines. the poem will be longer, but it'll read and look better I'm sure. another thing about this stanza: the last line irks me. it doesn't make sense to me. maybe I'm just too thick, but I would end it on "a cloud rolls by, horizons away". seems like you just got carried away with this.)
So the crackles of lightning or the cracking of diamond
Shimmering, tingling, glisten and sting,
Like figments of a mind so twisted it’s sickening,
A devil on his deathbed is breathing and singing. (I don't like 'crackling' and 'cracking' in the same line here. it seems like a stretch. and I also think there are too many verbs ending in 'ing', especially when you get to the last line. but this is a very good stanza. the devil is a good addition.)

But not a shadow will approach where calmness of an ocean
May sparkle and foam, their expressions unbroken
Remember her gold? Its breath is now sold,
He’s regretful, yes, but her shine’s never cold (I don't think you should have ended the first line on 'calmness of an ocean'. it makes it unfinished until you get to the second line, but then it's confusing for a second. I love the last two lines of this though, especially the regretful part.)
And it’s there, he knows
Oh, it’s there, he hopes
So he smiles and jokes, his expression it grows.
He dares not linger, yet he dares not go
To her sleeping, breathing, shimmering gold.(the best stanza so far. a good, strong ending.)

great poem, well done.

my only suggestion is to take out some of the commas. A phrase can gain importance or loose it, depending on how it is read/spoken. Sometimes having a long list without a pause can allow the reader's voice to gain intensity and volume as it rolls through the poem. I also think it will help it flow better, one wave rolling onto the beach after another.



good write, and best of luck!

-faded